Here we go, Here we go, Here we go again...

Well.  One of the topics I continually return to as I self-reflect is my tendency to wait for others to reach out to me.  I love interaction, and being around other people, and being social.  However, I manage to maintain this distance between other people and myself because I'm always worried that they don't want my outreach and will be annoyed.  I'm worried that they will feel imposed upon.  


This is ridiculous.  


I know it. 


Even if they don't want to talk with me or hang out with me, what difference does it make?  Regardless, this still keeps me from reaching out, and usually to the people that I'm closer with. 


Even more absurd. 


I don't have a solution, just thought I'd share what I agonize over. 


In celebration of my cyclical return, here is a nice video for you: 

Brain Dump and Questions

Once again, it has been a bit since I've posted.  I'm still working through the balance of school and work happening in my life.  It's quite busy really. 

I find myself at that place where I have secured some new friends, but am now worrying about their status in my life.  Do we ever get to a point where we don't worry about these things?  My mother, 30 years wiser than I, still worries about what other people think of her.  I'm afraid that with my over-thinking tendencies I'm destined to worry my entire life.  It just takes so much energy that I would much rather spend reading, writing papers, or heck, just watching tv.  

I'm not bold enough to think I will never have to worry about what anyone thinks, but it would be nice to worry about it less.  I'm constantly baffled by the ability some people have to do this, and I just don't understand.  If you know about the Myers-Briggs personality assessment, it may not surprise you that I tend to test back and forth each time I take it as either a "t" or an "f" (thinker or feeler).  I'm always working to reconcile these conflicting sides of me without diminishing one or the other.  

Obviously, I haven't found a great way to do that just yet. 

Does anyone ever?

So many questions to ponder really. I'll keep working on it and let you know. 

Packing

Alright, so this packing thing...I'm quite the expert at it by now. After all, I have moved ump-teen times in the last 7 years. (College and then changing jobs after College helped to raise this number) I'm about to do it again.

ugh.

To be totally fair, the insane woman in me just loves organizing all of my stuff for a move. Heck, I made a post-it labeling system and stacked boxes based upon their weight and shape to easily pack them into one of those fancy pants moving company boxes. You know the ones. I tell you this to assure you that my over-thinking is well and working when moving is a-foot.

BUT, I also dread it. There is just SO F-ING MUCH to consider. gasp!, you say to yourself, after all this spewing about how much she thinks, how could she possibly DISLIKE an opportunity to think more. Allow me to make my case. There is just so much stuff. Really. And I get rid of a lot of stuff every time I move. I don't want to forget anything and I need to think about the best possible way to pack it all. Plus, there is the planning of however you are getting to where you are moving. Do we push to make the drive in one day? Relax and take it in two? Where do we want to stop? Have I remembered everything I needed to complete to prep the apartment I'm moving into? Utilities? That damn cable and internet? (note to current resident: please please please tell the cable company you are moving) You get the idea. I'm sure many of you have done this before. I'm certainly not the first person.

This is just the perfect example of when my over-thinking is overwhelming for even me. Which is precisely why I want to figure out just what makes my thinking so very crazy. Why do I need to do this?

In this instance, I worry that I'll forget something. If I forget something, the world might fall apart. Well, my world. Yes, I said it. And NOT knowing that I have thought of everything, I literally get a pain in my stomach. That ache that drops the bottom of your stomach, reminding you where your center of gravity seems to rest. It can make you feel sick, it can be the little reminder that you love someone, or it can be where you want to leave your dinner on a roller coaster (sometimes all the same thing...). But yeah, that. I feel it when I worry I missed something or could have done more. It's a fear really. So, this time, my thinking is a protection. I keeps me from feeling like I'm going to fall off that edge, unprepared and without my parachute.

Lesson learned: I should try to appreciate my thinking and roll with it a bit more. All those webs of lists and reminders should weave together to make a nice, light-weight cloth for a parachute. :)

Pilot Post?

After long debating the merits of starting a blog, I decided to dive in. What will I write about? While, there are many things I dabble in throughout my life, but the trend seems to be my ability to think way to much about all of them. And I mean way too much. I could spend so long debating the purchase of a new pair of shoes that they go on clearance and sell out before I decide to get them. Seriously. Hence the ever-present question mark at the end of my title.

I can't even fathom the day I need to buy a house. My analytical brain will twist and turn, back and forth over the mental pro/con list until I wait so long I miss out. Or (because, yes children, there is always an "or" with me...) I will fall head over heals with it and commit immediately. When those once-in-a-blue-moon commitments happen, you will definitely know about them. They are way too precious not to pounce upon and share with all the world in an attempt to make me seem like a normal human being who doesn't waffle over every single thing.

mmm, waffles...

image from annie mole's photostream